Closing the Door

RingSmall

There was a period of time after my husband left that I “kept the door open.” I didn’t move on in my heart or my mind. April 30, 2015 was a monumental day for me. It was the day I decided to take my rings off. May 1st was going to start a new month and a new me.

April 30, 2015: “Today I met with my lawyer and she told me that there is another 30-90 more days left in this process. I immediately thought, ‘oh my gosh 1-3 months…I have to wear these rings that much longer?!’ I explained to my lawyer that I had been trying to wear my rings until we signed papers. The thought of wearing them that much longer was so unsettling to me. She told me it’s a personal preference as to when you decide to take them off. I thought about what day it was today…the end of the month…tomorrow is a new month…today is the day. I texted my friend after the meeting and told her I was going to take my rings off today. She asked if I had peace about it. The fact was I had so much unpeace about leaving them on! I hadn’t had such strong feelings about my rings until this moment.

Today is pretty monumental for me. This is a huge thing. I remember when I first started thinking about the real possibility of this divorce happening…I thought of my ring. I was devastated. I remembered when he took me ring shopping. We went to so many different places. We were looking for a pearl ring. There is a scripture that has always stuck out to me and made me want to have a pearl for my ring. ‘Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’ Matthew 7:6 I never wanted to marry a man undeserving of me. I’ve always known I have a lot to offer. (I mean this in the most un-self centered way possible…I just know myself and how much I love) I never wanted to give myself to just anyone. Ironically I did marry a pig. It is funny how life works sometimes. 

He wanted me to pick out my ring. He wanted it to be something that I would love forever. I remember we finally went to Jared…even though they had the cheesiest commercials…and there was this beautiful ring that looked like it could have a pearl mounted in the middle. It had a double row of diamonds that started on the band and rounded the placement. It had a cathedral setting with such a beautiful intricate pattern. It was love at first sight. I knew this was the one. He was relieved because pearls don’t cost nearly as much as diamonds. Throughout our marriage men would tell him he had a keeper because I chose a pearl. Pearls are humble. They are simple and beautiful. They are elegant and classy. I love pearls. I loved my ring. Even without the pearl, I wanted to take it home with me that day from the store. I loved how it looked on my finger. I loved what it represented.

After he proposed to me, I remember putting the ring on and it was so heavy. It took a little while to get used to it. I did a photo shoot with it like the next day. It was the most beautiful gift I had ever been given. Not just the ring itself…but the meaning behind it. I had finally found the man I was going to spend forever with. I finally was given the ring that I wanted to wear forever to represent that. It was perfect.

I was so mad when I thought about having to give up my ring. I knew I would have to. My Mom told me I could get it resized and put it on my other hand and wear it like a normal ring. I knew that wasn’t an option. I knew what the ring meant to me. It wouldn’t be fair. It wouldn’t be fair for my future husband. It would not be fair to me. It would be a constant reminder of the con of my lifetime.

Today I needed progress. I needed motivation to wrap things up. Today I gave up the most beautiful possession I have. I am ready to move on. I have been for a while. Today I took another step towards that. I took both rings to my bathroom where I keep the original Jared box that my ring came in. The very box that held my ring the first time I saw it all together and in the hand of the man on one knee before me that I wanted to spend forever with. 

My hopes are for redemption for this ring. I always hope for redemption. I hope to replace memories and redeem places with the right guy. I’m not afraid to go to places that I went to with him that meant so much to me. I can’t bear the thought of forbidden places. The world is too beautiful. I don’t like to make limits because of someone…especially him. I don’t want to be afraid. I believe in a redeeming God.”

When I talk about moving on, I don’t mean that I started dating. I waited months after everything was final before I began to date again. Moving on was accepting what the reality was and beginning my new life as a single woman. It was moving on in my mind and beginning to let go of the pain in my heart. It is difficult to live in the unknown and remain there for so long. I called it “Limbo Land.” The only way out is to make a decision and in this case it was for me to move on.

I began to close the door on April 30th but left it cracked until the day we got divorced. I had seen a movie that had a big impact on me (Diary of a Mad Black Woman) and made the decision that I would allow him to come back into my life as my husband in any form (healthy, sick, etc.) until the papers were signed. Until I was no longer his wife…I would remain his wife. Fortunately, he did not come back and I was set free on July 29th.

Though interaction with time is painful at first and you will resist it…time becomes your best friend. Time has a way of counseling you and opening your eyes. It has a way of taking you around the perimeter and pushing you inside the area. It has the ability to nurture you and grow you stronger than you have ever been. People told me I would know when I was ready to move on. And really, one day time whispered in my ear, “You’re ready.” And soon I began to believe it myself.

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