The Pit

Burning sight
Smeared light
Uncontrollable face muscles
Breath hustles
Lips quiver
Dry canals become rivers
No comfort
Fighting is too much effort
Heart ruptures
Nothing is hers

..

..

You take my hand and lead me to an open field of white. We leave footprints as we trudge through the deep snow. The place is cold and abandoned. Each step is a chore…I am tired and worn down. My eyes are parched and weary; my back is hunched over and my head hangs low. We walk up to a tree bare and lifeless. You give me a shovel and look towards the ground. I look at You exhausted and distraught. I say, “But I’m so tired; do I have to do this now? It’s so cold…we could wait until Spring.” You turn and sit down by the tree.

..

..

I lift the shovel and poke at the snow. I draw the shovel back and strike the ground with all I have. The shovel bounces off the ground and lands imprinting the white. I begin to cry though I have no tears left. I pick up the shovel and continue to strike the ground over and over again. Hours pass; days pass. I can’t break the surface.

..

..

I turn to You and say, “I can’t do this alone. Please help me.” You stand up and smile at me. You take the shovel from my hands and break the ground with ease. Fog comes from the crack between the broken frozen dirt. The air becomes thick and I begin to see images.

..

..

I see him and me together happy and laughing. We are together on the day we designate as our own every week. We even renamed the day. Then I see us celebrating the 22nd of the month. It is the day we began everything. We give each other a letter on this day every month. I see that I am tired from staying up all night making it perfect but I am so happy. These are my favorite days.

..

..

You give me back the shovel and I begin to dig. As I break through the next layer, the air becomes thick again. I see us up north. I am meeting his family for the first time. We go for a walk on State Street. It is frigid and I am acting crazy. He is smitten. We talk about the future and I ask him if he is sure. He is young and has a lot going for him. He takes away my reservations with his unwavering certainty.

..

..

I dig deeper and deeper. He is down on one knee before me. He tried to surprise me…but I knew. I step forward and look down. I’m in a white dress. I’m holding a bouquet of red tulips, white calla lilies and sunflowers. Fall leaves lay on the tile as I walk down the aisle with my arm interlocked with my Dad’s. I am sure. This is it…he is it. We exchange vows that echo into forever. No longer will I search…he will be my home.

..

..

I cut through the next layer. My smile is gone. I have been betrayed by the one I have trusted the most. My blood boils and I cannot breathe. Innocence is lost and I feel filthy. I say out loud, “But I was so careful!” I realize where I am and I shake it off.

..

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I hesitate as I lift the shovel and shove it into the dirt. Tears fill my eyes as I hug him for the last time as the rain pours down. I would do anything to turn back time and fix what is broken. He is leaving. He is done. Vows are just words anyways, right?

..

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I am overwhelmed as different memories surround me and start to close in. I spin around and around lost and confused. Then I yell, “Why?!” The fog clears the hole rushing inward and upward as I stand there in the pit. I look at You teary eyed and I ask, “What was the one reason why this didn’t work? Just tell me.” You look at me and You say, “There is nothing. It was his free will. This could have worked.”

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And in that moment I don’t feel so weak. My posture straightens and I feel peace. You lower Your hand and You pull me out. It is Spring and there is new life everywhere. You reach out Your hand and with a sweeping motion You push the dirt back in the hole. You lower Your hand with Your palm down and flip it over and raise it up. Nine billy balls and sunflowers come up out of the dirt. You look at me and You say, “I know you thought you knew what love was…but now I am going to show you. Take my hand and trust me and I will make your life beautiful. Be patient I have some cool stuff to show you.” #Psalm30

 

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