Healing is a journey. It takes time. There is much to be seen and digested and if you walk too quickly you may miss something important. Though I would never choose to go through what I have been through again...I cannot help but love this journey God has put me on. I picture open prairies clothed in tall weeds with grandiose mountains as the backdrop. I walk up, down and around mountains. I peer off into the distance from atop the mountains seeing what seems to be forever. I see the most beautiful lakes reflecting crystals from the night sky. I walk through a field of sunflowers and smile. I think of the alone time and the beats of my heart. Each breath is breathed with a purpose and a mission. I think of the other travelers I have met along the way and the conversations we have had. All traveling on different paths going to different destinations but able to provide insight to each other's individual journeys. There is so much to be learned from everything around us. At some point you will reach your destination: healed...but you will realize it was never about reaching the destination...it was about the journey.
I love seeing when couples know the little things about each other. Anyone can buy a gift...to be known and shown that you are known...that's priceless and requires effort. Words are words...but observations and actions are intentional.
Can forgiveness overcome a trust that has been breached? Can it fill the gap and mend what has been broken? I wish I could say yes with confidence. But I do not know from experience. I am a strong believer that relationships can literally make you crazy. I know I went to crazy and back a few times. A lack of trust will drive you mad. When the trust is weak, paranoia creeps in. Your mind goes to all sorts of places and you become an unbalanced basket case thinking of every scenario that could be happening. My husband was sneaking around on me in between classes while I was at work. While I was making ends meet so he could chase his dreams, he was chasing another girl.
I remember the first time I drove a 4-wheeler. My cousin was so impressed with how I rode. He called me “fearless.” I told him that divorce will do that to you! When you get married it is two deaths and one resurrection. Two people become one being. When you divorce, you are splitting one into two. It’s quite painful.
People say life isn't fair as if somewhere it is written that it should be fair...bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people...no one is exempt from pain and devastation just as no one is exempt from happiness and joy. I believe YOU decide whether you are happy or not. No one controls your happiness nor is anyone responsible for creating your "happy world." Go out and get it...create it!
I've dipped my toe into the despair that only death can produce. I want to live each day as if it is my last. I want to hang out with those that mean so much to me as no one is exempt from death's cold unforgiving grip.