When you left, I began to sweep up the egg shells I had scattered across the floor. The eggshells that would keep me in line. The eggshells that would keep you here. I slowly began to feel the floor again. I felt the wood grains as I curled my toes embracing the wood like sand. I felt the creases and the imperfections. My feet no longer bled from the shards left by the egg shells I tried so desperately not to step on. I no longer felt the pressure; I no longer had to hold my breath. As the level of harm subsided, I began to explore this floor. I began to change my steps. I began to dance and glide and breathe and smile. I began to sing and twirl and let go of all I held in. I felt free though battered. Limitless though scarred.
I have a lot of tension within myself right now. There is a fight between my logical side and my emotional side. An all out war actually. Logic says, “You are much better off and there is no reason to be stuck up on this situation. This is good and it is FINALLY almost over.” Emotion says, “This was supposed to be forever. You thought this was for forever. It is ending. It is actually ending. This is sad.” Logic puts before my eyes my future and all the wonderful things I have lined up and going for me right now. Emotion puts before my eyes the memories and the past; the good times and the bad times.
The process of coping is like climbing a mountain. You throw a rope around the ledge of the next stage of the process. You have to work hard to pull yourself to that ledge. You are exhausted as you climb up on top of the ledge only to realize you must throw your rope to the next ledge and begin to pull yourself to the next stage of the process. Everyone climbs at a different pace. Some will climb the mountain quickly and some may have to camp out on the different ledges for a little while. This is where you must be gracious to yourself.
Divorce was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I say this only because I was humbled. I learned what grace truly meant. Having accepted this grace and these new humble lenses, I have become more approachable and I seek more to understand. I am constantly reminded that we really do not know what others are going through.
Today I needed progress. I needed motivation to wrap things up. Today I gave up the most beautiful possession I have. I am ready to move on. I have been for a while. Today I took another step towards that. I took both rings to my bathroom where I keep the original Jared box that my ring came in. The very box that held my ring the first time I saw it all together and in the hand of the man on one knee before me that I wanted to spend forever with.
Healing is a journey. It takes time. There is much to be seen and digested and if you walk too quickly you may miss something important. Though I would never choose to go through what I have been through again...I cannot help but love this journey God has put me on. I picture open prairies clothed in tall weeds with grandiose mountains as the backdrop. I walk up, down and around mountains. I peer off into the distance from atop the mountains seeing what seems to be forever. I see the most beautiful lakes reflecting crystals from the night sky. I walk through a field of sunflowers and smile. I think of the alone time and the beats of my heart. Each breath is breathed with a purpose and a mission. I think of the other travelers I have met along the way and the conversations we have had. All traveling on different paths going to different destinations but able to provide insight to each other's individual journeys. There is so much to be learned from everything around us. At some point you will reach your destination: healed...but you will realize it was never about reaching the destination...it was about the journey.
Can forgiveness overcome a trust that has been breached? Can it fill the gap and mend what has been broken? I wish I could say yes with confidence. But I do not know from experience. I am a strong believer that relationships can literally make you crazy. I know I went to crazy and back a few times. A lack of trust will drive you mad. When the trust is weak, paranoia creeps in. Your mind goes to all sorts of places and you become an unbalanced basket case thinking of every scenario that could be happening. My husband was sneaking around on me in between classes while I was at work. While I was making ends meet so he could chase his dreams, he was chasing another girl.
I remember the first time I drove a 4-wheeler. My cousin was so impressed with how I rode. He called me “fearless.” I told him that divorce will do that to you! When you get married it is two deaths and one resurrection. Two people become one being. When you divorce, you are splitting one into two. It’s quite painful.