And in that moment I don’t feel so weak. My posture straightens and I feel peace. You lower Your hand and You pull me out. It is Spring and there is new life everywhere. You reach out Your hand and with a sweeping motion You push the dirt back in the hole. You lower Your hand with Your palm down and flip it over and raise it up. Nine billy balls and sunflowers come up out of the dirt. You look at me and You say, “I know you thought you knew what love was…but now I am going to show you. Take my hand and trust me and I will make your life beautiful. Be patient I have some cool stuff to show you.” #Psalm30
You can spend your whole life traveling and seeing and experiencing the coolest things…but you might find there is something still missing. Someone to share it all with. I’m excited for my future and I patiently await with anticipation, seeing the faces of the cards as they fall.
2 years later that little girl has grown. She has grown into a woman. Her optimism has benefitted her. She is no longer lost and she lives free and weightless. She breathes deep and lives boundless. She rediscovered her roots and planted them deep. At one point she was surviving and now she is thriving. She resides far from the shadow that he casted. She has created her own.
Years ago I learned a valuable lesson in church about “life sentences.” The series talked about the power of words. The things we say and the effect they can have on others. And also that we choose the impact that words spoken to us from others have on us personally. We choose to allow someone to offend us or make us mad. We choose the length of time and the magnitude in which words spoken to us influence our life.
When you left, I began to sweep up the egg shells I had scattered across the floor. The eggshells that would keep me in line. The eggshells that would keep you here. I slowly began to feel the floor again. I felt the wood grains as I curled my toes embracing the wood like sand. I felt the creases and the imperfections. My feet no longer bled from the shards left by the egg shells I tried so desperately not to step on. I no longer felt the pressure; I no longer had to hold my breath. As the level of harm subsided, I began to explore this floor. I began to change my steps. I began to dance and glide and breathe and smile. I began to sing and twirl and let go of all I held in. I felt free though battered. Limitless though scarred.
I have a lot of tension within myself right now. There is a fight between my logical side and my emotional side. An all out war actually. Logic says, “You are much better off and there is no reason to be stuck up on this situation. This is good and it is FINALLY almost over.” Emotion says, “This was supposed to be forever. You thought this was for forever. It is ending. It is actually ending. This is sad.” Logic puts before my eyes my future and all the wonderful things I have lined up and going for me right now. Emotion puts before my eyes the memories and the past; the good times and the bad times.
The process of coping is like climbing a mountain. You throw a rope around the ledge of the next stage of the process. You have to work hard to pull yourself to that ledge. You are exhausted as you climb up on top of the ledge only to realize you must throw your rope to the next ledge and begin to pull yourself to the next stage of the process. Everyone climbs at a different pace. Some will climb the mountain quickly and some may have to camp out on the different ledges for a little while. This is where you must be gracious to yourself.
Divorce was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. I say this only because I was humbled. I learned what grace truly meant. Having accepted this grace and these new humble lenses, I have become more approachable and I seek more to understand. I am constantly reminded that we really do not know what others are going through.
In both instances there was a common place you could find me...on my knees with my face on the ground. I knew both situations were out of my control. I knew the only thing I could do. I asked God to save the life of my marriage and I asked Him to save my Dad's life. He granted one and I'm so glad He didn't grant the other.
Today I needed progress. I needed motivation to wrap things up. Today I gave up the most beautiful possession I have. I am ready to move on. I have been for a while. Today I took another step towards that. I took both rings to my bathroom where I keep the original Jared box that my ring came in. The very box that held my ring the first time I saw it all together and in the hand of the man on one knee before me that I wanted to spend forever with.