And in that moment I don’t feel so weak. My posture straightens and I feel peace. You lower Your hand and You pull me out. It is Spring and there is new life everywhere. You reach out Your hand and with a sweeping motion You push the dirt back in the hole. You lower Your hand with Your palm down and flip it over and raise it up. Nine billy balls and sunflowers come up out of the dirt. You look at me and You say, “I know you thought you knew what love was…but now I am going to show you. Take my hand and trust me and I will make your life beautiful. Be patient I have some cool stuff to show you.” #Psalm30
When you left, I began to sweep up the egg shells I had scattered across the floor. The eggshells that would keep me in line. The eggshells that would keep you here. I slowly began to feel the floor again. I felt the wood grains as I curled my toes embracing the wood like sand. I felt the creases and the imperfections. My feet no longer bled from the shards left by the egg shells I tried so desperately not to step on. I no longer felt the pressure; I no longer had to hold my breath. As the level of harm subsided, I began to explore this floor. I began to change my steps. I began to dance and glide and breathe and smile. I began to sing and twirl and let go of all I held in. I felt free though battered. Limitless though scarred.
Can forgiveness overcome a trust that has been breached? Can it fill the gap and mend what has been broken? I wish I could say yes with confidence. But I do not know from experience. I am a strong believer that relationships can literally make you crazy. I know I went to crazy and back a few times. A lack of trust will drive you mad. When the trust is weak, paranoia creeps in. Your mind goes to all sorts of places and you become an unbalanced basket case thinking of every scenario that could be happening. My husband was sneaking around on me in between classes while I was at work. While I was making ends meet so he could chase his dreams, he was chasing another girl.